


The One With Actual Advice In It

by Morpheus626



Series: MBMBAMAAAQ [1]
Category: My Brother My Brother and Me (Podcast), Queen (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 21:33:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29599041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morpheus626/pseuds/Morpheus626
Summary: Written in script format (to keep it as much like ‘hearing’ the podcast as possible), here is the first part of my very self-indulgent Queen and MBMBAM cross-over. Written in an AU in which we still have Freddie here with us, but Queen also works with Adam because I absolutely would love to exist in a universe where that’s a reality and I can go to a Queen concert and have myself rocked by not one, but two, powerhouse voices.Anyway. This is part of a series I’m naming MBMBAMAAAQ (My Brother, My Brother, and Me, and Adam, and Queen), so far not sure how many parts/episodes it’ll be. NSFW in terms of what gets discussed in this one, but nothing smutty or anything like that.
Series: MBMBAMAAAQ [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2174592
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	The One With Actual Advice In It

JUSTIN: Welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and Me, an advice show for the modrern era! I’m your oldest brother, Justin McElroy!

TRAVIS: I’m your middlest brother, Travis McElroy!

GRIFFIN: And I’m the babiest brother of...everyone in this...room? We aren’t in the same room. We’re on a Zoom call, all of us, but I am the youngest, of all of us in this. 

JUSTIN: All of us? Griffin, are you...who else is here, do we have guests?

TRAVIS: And I’m not dressed for them at all!

GRIFFIN: Yeah, we have some newbies to the podcast zone-

JUSTIN: Oooh ™ ™ ™! We could use that for a title of another podcast.

TRAVIS: Just what we need!

GRIFFIN: Right, but yeah! We’ve got guests, who just started their own podcast a few weeks back, and apparently have heard ours via….?

JOHN: My son, actually. 

TRAVIS: Hello! A guest!

JOHN: Hello Travis. This is the most you’ll likely hear from me, I’m not quite used to this yet.

JUSTIN: That’s okay, that is all good, do what you’re comfortable doing is the name of the game. But can you introduce yourself; let’s get intros all around for our guests?

GRIFFIN: A quick blanket intro: this is the band Queen, plus Adam Lambert, who in lieu of touring due to-

JUSTIN: Pandemicey things

GRIFFIN: Yeah, that. Uh they started a podcast instead so they could do some performances, interact with fans, and just still be kept busy, right?

BRIAN: That’s it, yeah, more or less.

ADAM: We’re still figuring it out, I think. We’ve got like general ideas of what we want to do with the podcast, but with the knowledge that once we can tour again-

FREDDIE: It might stop.

ADAM: Yeah, it might stop, at least for a bit. It’s all a work in progress, playing it by ear, but just...having fun in the meantime, right guys?

ROGER: Something like that. No, but it is nice to be able to interact with the fans, even if we can’t actually interact with them. Putting off the tour again is-

(all of Queen plus Adam sigh in one frustrated voice) 

ROGER: That, yeah. (Roger giggles.) Christ, that was probably loud. What a lovely thing for your poor fans to hear from us. 

JUSTIN: They have absolutely heard worse from us, that, that, that could have been so much worse. Trust me.

BRIAN: Oh, we’ve listened to some of your past episodes, we know, we’ve heard some interesting-

GRIFFIN: Oh god. Oh no.

BRIAN: No, don’t be like that! It’s just been an interesting experience in some episodes. Not a bad thing at all.

GRIFFIN: I...I have to beg to differ. I am so warm right now, it is a bad feeling. The blushing...what have you heard!? I need to know now, I need a list of episodes, immediately, so I know how embarrassed I should be.

FREDDIE: No embarrassment, that isn’t what we’re here for. We’re here for advice, yes, Justin?

JUSTIN: I mean technically, yeah, though we do kinda...lose the plot here and there, but that’s the McElroy Magic, folks. 

TRAVIS: Us going on long tangents and forgetting to give advice.

JUSTIN: Exactly! But I do have one here, and I wanna note, we tried to find ones that weren’t all music-related. We put a thing out on Twitter noting we had music-related guests on the show this time, and so we did get a lot of music-based questions, but I wanna hear what y’all have to share on various topics, so we’ve got a good array here. Anyway, this question comes from….Mikey, who asks: Brothers, and esteemed guests-

ROGER: Now that’s far too kind to say of us.

BRIAN: Don’t interrupt!

JUSTIN: It’s okay, I grew up with Trav and Grif here, so I’m very used to interruptions. Uh, but he goes on: Brothers and esteemed guests, I have a horrible dilemma. I’ve been trying to get my dream job for months now! Each time they have an opening, I apply, but they never even call me for an interview. What could I be doing wrong, and why won’t- (Justin breaks into squeaky giggles.) I didn’t read ahead, I’m sorry. Oh god. Why won’t Extreme Restraints consider letting me join their team to pack up dildos and other sexual products?

GRIFFIN: Is that...is that really the question?

JUSTIN: (Loud, squeaky, breathless laughter.) 

BRIAN: I think that’s a yes. It looks like a yes, I see him nodding, in his little Zoom square there. 

TRAVIS: So...backstory if y’all don’t know, we did have a marketing thing with Extreme Restraints for a bit, where we made up songs to help sell their products, and gave info on it, during our Money Zone bit, and-

FREDDIE: Oh, we know. Those are some of the first bits John’s son sent us to listen to.

TRAVIS: ...I don’t know what to do with this information, but it’s changed me. Okay, so you know the history, you know this is a good company. So we need to figure out why Mikey isn’t...uh, ticking their boxes, so to speak.

BRIAN: Do we know that Mikey is old enough to work for a company like this? 

JUSTIN: That’s a good point, he does not say...his Twitter bio states...eeesh eighteen. Okay, Mikey we-we may have found the problem.

GRIFFIN: I mean eighteen is a grown up, technically. But you can’t even rent a car yet.

ROGER: Is that the metric? If you can rent a car, you can pack up sex toys? I don’t recall that in any law.

TRAVIS: I think it’s the metric we’re working with now. But it might actually be what Extreme Restraints is considering like, are you mature enough, to work there? I wish we could see Mikey’s resume. And I do want to apologize to Mikey, this comes off as a lot of doubt, but it’s well-meant doubt. We support your dildo-packing dreams, but we want it to be a good fit for you, and for Extreme Restraints, and-oh no. The word choice-

(The entire group dissolves into laughter.) 

ADAM: Travis, do you wanna rephrase any of that?

TRAVIS: I’m just gonna sit here in my shame for a minute.

ADAM: We support that, take a minute. Um, but yeah. I mean...I don’t want to say age is the only reason they aren’t calling you for an interview. It could be a factor, and that’s valid. But it might be too that your work experience just isn’t much yet, and maybe they’re wanting something a little bit different, with a little more experience in that sort of a...back room thing, you know? Doing that sort of repetitive work, and wow, there, it’s so easy to stumble upon bad wording here, can I join you in that Shame Circle, Travis?

TRAVIS: There’s room, come on in.

JUSTIN: TRAVIS!! WORD CHOICE!

TRAVIS: Oh god I’m never gonna leave the shame circle!

ROGER: Not at this rate, no. But I think we’ve given Mikey his answer: it could be your age, work experience, or maybe the other candidates just seem a better choice for now. I’ll tell you what I’d tell my kids: keep applying when the opportunity comes up. Work on your resume and experience in the meantime, and maybe one of these next times, you’ll be who they’re looking for. 

JUSTIN: Roger, coming in with the actual advice. It’s rare we get to that, sometimes, so this is-

ROGER: An achievement?

JUSTIN: Yeah, also, hey this is coming in, hot off the press-

GRIFFIN: Oh jesus. I’m sorry guys. I’m so sorry. 

JUSTIN: That’s right, this is Haunted Doll Watch! I had to bring back a classic, for our guests, who I think will love this link I just sent out to everyone.

FREDDIE: Oh I hate it. What is it? 

JUSTIN: A doll, in theory. Um, but the doll you’re looking at is...well, let me read the listing, that’s gonna be the best way to answer that. (clears throat) Welcome to my Ebay store of mystery and delights!

(Immediate laughter from everyone.) 

BRIAN: And this is real? 

JUSTIN: Horribly so, yeah, sorry. So, welcome to my store of mystery and delights! Here for you today I present Jenny! Jenny resides in not one, but two! Dolls! That have been put together by glue and as an affront to any gods that might exist-I added that bit, they didn’t say that, but that is what this looks like. 

ROGER: It’s very...bad. 

JUSTIN: It is. It is...notably bad. And scary, which is good for a haunted doll, I guess.

GRIFFIN: But it’s bad for my eyes, Justin. Justin, I had to look at this using the only two eyes I’ll ever have. 

JUSTIN: I know, but be strong. Ah, so Jenny. Jenny told me that she was tired of having only one vessel, and that she really admired the Raggedy Ann doll-I’m gonna presume it wasn’t haunted until it got torn apart for this mess-that I had near her shelf. So, I did a little surgery-

BRIAN: That...is one way to put that. I suppose.

GRIFFIN: It is. They did that, I mean...wow.

ADAM: (Keening laughter) I hate it. I hate looking at it. I gotta close the link, it, it scared my fucking dog away from my lap. Why would they do this? 

JOHN: To make money online, of course. 

FREDDIE: Of course. As you do. If you hate...well. Hate is a strong word.

ROGER: But it fits here.

FREDDIE: I think it might, unfortunately. 

JUSTIN: Okay, so a little more on Jenny. Uh, they ‘fixed’ her, that’s a bold fucking statement there bud (Justin chuckles.) And then they decided to ask if she was ready to move on to a new home! And I quote: she told me it was time for her beauty-

(Uproarious laughter from everyone) 

JUSTIN: (Barely able to speak from laughing) For her beauty to grace a new home, and for her light to brighten up someone else’s life. She does put out orbs on days when she is happiest, and you may find will bring you luck in love! 

ADAM: NO! Absolutely not. If I were single, and I went over to someone’s home for a hook up or a date, or anything along those lines and I saw this...thing….on their shelves-

FREDDIE: Your cock would promptly tear itself off of you and run the other way? 

ADAM: With me on it’s fucking heels, yes! Fucking hell…

JUSTIN: Would you like to know how much she is, in case you want to make a bid, Adam? 

ADAM: I’m terrified. How much is she?

JUSTIN: Current bid is $110-

GRIFFIN: Oh fuck you!

JUSTIN: That’s what it says, mon frere! Or, you can get her for the hot buy-it-now price of, drumroll please-

ROGER: I’ve not got a kit near me, or I’d do that for you.

JUSTIN: Fair enough! Buy-it-now is $225 USD! Legal tender, that you could send via Paypal if you so desire, to this person. For Jenny! To light up your life, and get someone cute on your genitals, apparently. 

BRIAN: That...I...I’ve got nothing. The internet is a wonder, and a terror.

TRAVIS: Exactly! I...I honestly, guys, I got so distracted during this, because I was watching the bids go up, and up, and up, and they are still going! It’s at almost $200 right now! 

JUSTIN: I was gonna say, we lost you for a bit. 

TRAVIS: Yeah, and I lost my lunch looking at Jenny. What a day.

GRIFFIN: In-fucking-deed. Say, I do have a Yahoo, if anyone…

BRIAN: Please.

GRIFFIN: So...this comes from...user is anonymous, so I’m gonna call them-

ROGER: How about Ratty?

FREDDIE: Be nice!

ROGER: From Ratty, that’s decided.

GRIFFIN: Okay, sure! Ratty asks, and I should note, this one is NSFW: I am try to measure pennnis. 

BRIAN: Pen-iss? Did they misspell it that badly? 

GRIFFIN: Lemme shoot y’all the screenshot, so you can see what I am attempting to read and parse.

BRIAN: Oh, they did...three n’s in that word. That’s not how penis is spelled.

GRIFFIN: No, but it is in Ratty’s world! So, to continue: I am try to measure pennnis, but have problems. 

ROGER: I should fucking say so.

GRIFFIN: (giggling) I have try to use many things, but nothing can measure my penis. Oh hey, he spelled it right here! 

FREDDIE: Nothing? Nothing can measure his penis? Tell me another one.

GRIFFIN: Oh, there’s more, don’t worry! Nothing can measure it because it is too big-

(Guffaws and scoffs from all.) 

GRIFFIN: (still giggling) And now it is stuck.

TRAVIS: Stuck? 

GRIFFIN: Stuck. In a bottle that I was try to use to measure it. How big around it is, compared to the neck of the bottle.

FREDDIE: This is horrific. How old is this question? 

GRIFFIN: From 2019!

FREDDIE: So he’s not got a penis anymore then? Is probably what happened? Which is terrible, don’t get me wrong, I’m not...this isn’t schadenfreude, if he truly got hurt as a result of this, then that’s tragic. 

GRIFFIN: It is, but rest easy, because I have more! He finishes off his initial question with: how I get it off without hurt my penis? Which is certainly the question to ask, I mean. 

JUSTIN: The most important one, for anyone in that situation. 

ROGER: ...but measuring tapes exist.

GRIFFIN: They do...they do...but not for Ratty. 

ROGER: (snorting and laughing) Fuck me, I forgot I told you to name him that!

GRIFFIN: Is this someone you knew? 

FREDDIE: One of our road crew members.

GRIFFIN: Oh god.

FREDDIE: It’s alright, this is his sense of humor. 

GRIFFIN: Okay, so before I ready Ratty’s follow up to his own question...do we have advice to give? 

BRIAN: Stop trying to measure it. Don’t touch it. Don’t look at it. Put it away, for the sake of your own health.

ROGER: Also the sex talk Bri gave all his children. 

BRIAN: Shush!

ROGER: Am I wrong?

GRIFFIN: That is good advice though, I think.

TRAVIS: I agree with that, but since he is still in this situation and bottle...I mean, we’re missing a detail here. Is it...erect? 

GRIFFIN: Doesn’t say. 

TRAVIS: Well, it’s sort of important that we know. I mean...you can be rougher with it, during certain times, and-

ADAM: But he’s already been rough with it! This is just one thing he’s tried to measure it, we have no idea what he did prior to this. Probably mangled and bruised and oh god I’m hurting in sympathy pain.

JUSTIN: I’m there with you, it’s...god. Like, I would say cut off as much of the bottle as you can, I guess?

ROGER: Is it glass, or plastic? Do we know? 

(A moment of horrified group silence.) 

GRIFFIN: Hang on, I skimmed over some detai-oh no. 

JUSTIN: Grif?

GRIFFIN: (almost whispering) It’s a glass liquor bottle.

ROGER: (hissing in pain) That’s not good.

TRAVIS: It’s so bad. I mean, you can cut it, but-

BRIAN: That’s dangerous. All of this is dangerous, but the risk of glass-oh lord. 

FREDDIE: So...he’s not getting it off without help. He’s got to just-well. I was going to say go to a doctor, but he’d have to get dressed to get there, and that’s going to be a very odd bulge, walking down the street-

JUSTIN: I’m picturing it. It’s not good. 

FREDDIE: No. So maybe calling a friend, instead? A very good friend, one you’re possibly too close with.

TRAVIS: Which of your friends has seen your dick before, is where this ends. That tells you who you can call.

GRIFFIN: Who you gonna call? 

TRAVIS: My friend George who’s seen my dick in the locker room and also does dumb shit to his penis.

ROGER: Griffin, you said there was a follow up? 

GRIFFIN: Yes, and it is good! Ratty writes: Hello Yahoo, I have good news! My penis free!

(wheezing group laughter) 

ROGER: Oh, good news indeed! Jesus christ. 

GRIFFIN: I got some butter, and I put it on, and it is now free! It hurts, but it is okay, and I still need to figure out how to measure it! Ratty! No!! 

JUSTIN: He learned nothing!!

BRIAN: Back to my original advice then: PUT IT AWAY.

GRIFFIN: I think that’s the only useful advice at this point. Just accept you’ll never know the measurements, Ratty. For your own sake. 

JOHN: As well as ours, so we don’t have to try and give advice on your next six questions, of sticking your cock in six new things. 

JUSTIN: With that, I think it’s time for a new question. Or any other question, please.

GRIFFIN: I do have another, not a Yahoo, but I think y’all might like this one. And it is a bit about music, so, there’s a palate cleanser. Reba writes-

TRAVIS: Reba McEntire? 

GRIFFIN: No, just our new friend, Reba. Reba asks: I’m trying to learn to play guitar, but I have run into an odd issue. My family likes to make fun of me whenever I play, because I don’t sound very good yet. I try to take it as friendly teasing, but it makes it hard to practice because I anticipate their comments. I have tried to only practice when they are out of the house, but they figured that out and now make a point to almost always be home when I have free time to practice. I also tried hooking my guitar up to my Ipad and using an app there with headphones so that they cannot hear me, but then they accused me of not practicing and stated I had wasted my money on the guitar. Brothers, and guests, I love learning, but my family is taking the fun out of it for me and making me uncomfortable. What else can I do so that I don’t end up selling my guitar and giving up? 

BRIAN: Oh, this one hurts my heart. The poor thing. 

ROGER: I’d say tell them to fuck off, but that’s probably not the advice Reba’s looking for, is it? 

GRIFFIN: Might not be. But that is valid advice, I think.

JUSTIN: Yeah. Like I don’t know Reba’s family-

TRAVIS: But I don’t like them.

JUSTIN: Exactly. Like they seem like people I would not like. Cause friendly teasing is one thing, but like, if you’re stopping your family member from pursuing the thing they love with it, that’s a line.

FREDDIE: Exactly. You’ve gone too far, and you need to change your behavior. 

BRIAN: Immediately, too. This-things like this make me so mad. How dare you think you have the right to take away someone’s joy like that? Of course they’re going to sound bad, that’s how you learn! We didn’t sound good at first, not one of us! 

ROGER: That’s the point of it, even once you do sound good. You practice so you can keep that sound, and so you can maybe sound even better! But you can’t do that if people in your life aren’t supportive. I mean, my mum’s neighbors weren’t supportive, but my mum, even when she wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing, still talked kindly to me about the drums. She didn’t push me not to practice. 

ADAM: I know families like this are out there, but at the same time, it’s so hard to fathom. Your family member put their money, sweat, and hard work into this-

JOHN: Something admirable.

ADAM: Exactly! And you’re going to make them feel like shit about it, and then blame them if they want to stop? Anyone, I think, would consider it, when faced with that. However, that said, I think this is where you have to be better and stronger than your family.

FREDDIE: I was just going to say. You have to push on despite them. They should be better, and should treat you better. But if they aren’t going to do that, then you need to muddle on. Keep practicing, and you know what? Sound bad! Sound horrible! And don’t hide it with headphones and some app or whatever, plug into an actual amp and blare it! 

BRIAN: Right! Make them hear it all! You sounding shit, and then you sounding better! And then they can eat their fucking words when you start hitting milestones, with every song, no, every fucking scale! That you master, they can eat their words. 

TRAVIS: I love that we’re just here to roast Reba’s family. It’s-Reba, you’ve activated, unknowingly, a musician protector squad made up of us and the band Queen and also Adam. 

ADAM: That’s it! That’s us! We’ll come tell your family to either fuck off or learn to be more supportive!

ROGER: Over Zoom, or by telephone. Maybe a strongly worded email as well, Brian could write that up.

BRIAN: I would happily do so. 

GRIFFIN: So our final advice is: fuck your family and their bullshit.

BRIAN: Yes.

GRIFFIN: Keep playing, play loud, and just do your best to fight past it when they try to drag you down. And that’s not easy, but like-you know, replay this part of this episode, whenever you start to feel like they’re winning. Play this part, and play your guitar over us, and we’re gonna clap because even if you sound bad right now, we know that you’re gonna sound good sooner rather than later, and that doesn’t even matter! Because we’re applauding your hard work, not how good or bad you sound. 

FREDDIE: Now, shall we? 

(the slightly muffled sound of everyone applauding as loudly as they can.) 

TRAVIS: There you go, Reba! Fuck your family, we got you! 

JUSTIN: And with that, I think it’s time to go to the Money Zone. 

(brief music break) 

JUSTIN: Okay, so we only have one sponsor, and it’s the people we’re talking to, right now! Who paid for over three months worth of us, I mean, the terms weren’t that we had to advertise you, actually, this is an odd one for us.

BRIAN: Right, well, we wanted it to be a promotion of positivity. It’s hard to be positive right now, and truthfully we’ve got all the advertising we need. So we thought maybe it would be better to pay you to use this time to just tell us what’s made you happy recently. 

JUSTIN: Can you give us an example of this? To make sure we understand fully. 

BRIAN: Of course! Uh, for example, Anita and I have had Zoom pizza parties with our grandchildren, and that’s been the sweetest thing. It’s not as good as being together in the same room, of course, but to have safe time together right now, it’s very good. 

GRIFFIN: Okay! So, not to keep this all kid related, but my son did just recently figure out like, sarcastic clapping. And I don’t know if we should actually reward it, but it’s so cute!

ROGER: That sounds adorable. And he does it right, or at the right times, I should say? 

GRIFFIN: Yeah. I dropped uh, a full cereal box yesterday, and I bent down to start cleaning up, and I hear a little clap, clap, clap, slow clap, from Henry! And he’s just smiling down at me so I can’t even be mad, y’know? Because he’s learned this new thing that he didn’t really get before and it’s just cool, to see kids learn things with comedy. 

BRIAN: Being aware enough to learn things like that.

GRIFFIN: Yeah! So that’s been just. The coolest thing, lately. 

JUSTIN: Mine doesn’t involve my kids at all-

(laughter from everyone) 

JUSTIN: But it does involve books! We found this new little bookshop that’s like, trying to survive the pandemic, a few hours out from our town, and they do this cool thing where you can pick up a box of random books for so much money, and it’s affordable. Like, thirty bucks for a decent sized box of hardcover and softcover books. And some will have books for kids too, and just, a really good variety of stuff. So you get all these new books safely, with social distancing, and so far almost every book has been a winner. For me, for Sydney, for the kids, and so it’s cool that we get these awesome books, we’re reading more, and we’re supporting this neat little local shop all at once. 

TRAVIS: I love that. Like, I’ve worried about the cool local shops that don’t really have an online presence, so being able to find a way to support them-

JUSTIN: It feels good!

TRAVIS: It just feels good! 

FREDDIE: Travis, we haven’t heard from you yet? 

TRAVIS: Oh, yeah. Well...I don’t think mine is as good as these! 

FREDDIE: There’s no metric like that, it’s just something that’s made you happy. 

TRAVIS: Okay...so, I made a leftover steak that we got via like food delivery from my favorite restaurant, last over three weeks, and-

JUSTIN: Travis…

GRIFFIN: Trav, bud.

FREDDIE: No judgement! That’s...an achievement. 

TRAVIS: I wanna apologize to Brian here, I know you’re vegan-

BRIAN: I do wish you might give it a try, but I respect if it’s something you aren’t sure of or ready for. Everyone’s different, that can’t be helped. 

TRAVIS: That said, it was so good though. Theresa was like, appalled I made it last so long, and kept eating such little portions to make it last, but it was so worth it! Though, on that last note from Brian, I would like to try like, one of those Impossible steaks, or that meat replacement, and if it’s just as good, maybe that’s my new steak!

BRIAN: That you can terrify your wife by making last far too long!

TRAVIS: Yeah! 

JUSTIN: We’ve got a few minutes, Freddie, Roger, John, Adam, do you guys wanna get in on the joy-sharing? 

ADAM: Can it be this? Because this is fun. Like I love doing our podcast, but I like this too, and just, if you guys ever need guests again-

JUSTIN: I mean we could make this a thing. Might need to work out scheduling, but I’d like that.

GRIFFIN: You guys gave actual advice, which we almost never do, so like, logically, we should have you all back as often as possible. For the sake of our listeners. 

FREDDIE: I can’t speak for John or Rog, but I’d like to echo Adam for myself. I’ve been...hesitant with all of this, a bit shy, maybe, but this isn’t so bad. I’m feeling a bit better about all of this. 

JOHN: I might say the same. I got...I don’t want to say pulled back into this by Freddie, but if he wasn’t here, I wouldn’t be doing this still, you know? And I had my retirement, but then they clawed me back, as your loved ones do-

ROGER: You make it sound so wonderful, Deaky.

JOHN: One of my skills! But truly, sitting here and reflecting, I am happy to be back. I am happy to be...finding ways to interact, if we can’t go tour. And I wasn’t sure I would be, initially. So this has been a wonderful surprise. 

JUSTIN: Roger, you wanna get in before we leave the Money Zone? 

ROGER: I will. I’ve been, well, a mixture of happy and sad and frustrated, listening to one of my children. I’ve a daughter who’s a nurse with the NHS, our health services, and the stress and breaking points her and her fellow staff have passed during the pandemic-it’s beyond belief. And they’re only getting stretched further. But I am happy for her because despite it all, she’s so hopeful. I’ve no idea where she got that from, honestly! But she is, and she makes me feel happy and hopeful to hear her be that way, even when she calls after another long day and you can hear the exhaustion in her voice. That’s been my happiness, as of late. 

TRAVIS: I’m legit tearing up right now, because now I’m thinking of my kids, and-

GRIFFIN: Yeah, I’m (sniffling) oh god. You took us all out, Rog. It was too sweet. 

JUSTIN: We’re leaving the Money Zone in a raft, on waves of our own tears!

(brief music/other ads from other podcasts break) 

GRIFFIN: Okay, so I do have another funny Yahoo. 

TRAVIS: We’re going from happy to tears to funny happy tears!

GRIFFIN: Exactly! So, User SnacksandTacks what on earth does that mean good GOD, asks: If forced to fight an entire zoo, which famous musicians do you think would do the best during the fight? Note, they can be living or dead, they are brought back to life for this battle.

(a beat of silence, then laughter from all.) 

ROGER: Am I allowed to say myself? Because it isn’t Brian. 

BRIAN: Hey!

ROGER: You like saving animals, not fighting them!

BRIAN: But this is to stay alive, I presume.

JOHN: To keep yourself alive, you could say? 

BRIAN: Stop it. But yes, that. So if I absolutely had to, if there was no other option...well, but then again, is my life really worth more? Do they say how this is happening?

GRIFFIN: They note that force is involved. So I’m gonna go ahead and assume this is a villain who has captured you, and dropped you into a zoo of very mean animals who do bad things. Like they’re in animal jail, basically. They’ve committed fraud, they’ve stolen, they’ve ran pyramid schemes maybe, and they don’t care about like, the worthiness of a life, they just know that they’ll kill whoever is trying to kill them. 

BRIAN: Okay.

GRIFFIN: So does that make it better, do you think you could be in this, or do you think you would be like, I’m ready to die? 

BRIAN: I’m trying to decide, but I’m honestly not sure. I wouldn’t want to hurt any of them, even to save myself. But I also don’t want to die by like...pelican attack, or something. I don’t know that anyone wants to die like that!

JUSTIN: Freddie, what about you? You boxed in your youth, yes? 

FREDDIE: And you think that makes me a top dog in this fight? 

JUSTIN: I mean against like any kangaroos, for sure.

FREDDIE: (giggling) But that’s not all that’s in the zoo! I assume, at least. 

TRAVIS: Can we maybe like, determine that way, who might do well? Or should we narrow this down to just you guys? Like just would Adam, Freddie, Roger, John, and Brian do well in this situation? 

GRIFFIN: I like that, the latter. Is that good for everyone?

(General sounds of agreement from everyone.) 

TRAVIS: Okay, so let’s figure out what zoo this is. Because that means a lot, where is it, what animals are in-

GRIFFIN: It’s a villain’s zoo, Trav! I just said!

TRAVIS: But who is that, Griffin?!

GRIFFIN: Jeff Bezos, obviously (voice cracking as he laughs.) No but seriously, he probably has a villain zoo, of like, really bad and mean animals who’ve committed crimes. If anyone has one, it’s him.

TRAVIS: Okay, so what does Jeff Bezos keep in his villain zoo? 

ADAM: Anything rare? Probably? I’m thinking of like, him as a Bond villain-

GRIFFIN: More than he already is.

ADAM: Right! So, definitely some sharks. With (voice breaking as he giggles) frickin’ laser beams-

JUSTIN: You did not just reference-

ADAM: I had to! Legally. 

JUSTIN: That’s true, that’s true. If you’re talking about a villain with sharks, you gotta legally reference Dr. Evil. Or Mike Myers-

GRIFFIN: Will find you, and is legally allowed to kick you in the shin very hard. 

ADAM: Exactly, and I don’t want that. I like Mike Myers, I don’t want him to kick me.

TRAVIS: Okay so laser beam sharks are for sure in the zoo. How well do y’all swim? 

ROGER: I don’t think the swimming is the issue. More the sharks and the lasers. 

BRIAN: I’m going to say we’d not get out of that one. 

JOHN: I’m already out of the tank and watching. 

FREDDIE: Deaky! You aren’t helping us? 

JOHN: What am I going to do, fight a shark? 

FREDDIE: Yes!

TRAVIS: Okay, so the sharks would be a bad spot. What about like...monkeys. No, lemurs specifically, because I like lemurs. 

BRIAN: Evil lemurs?

TRAVIS: The evillest. 

BRIAN: (laughing) And what makes them so evil?

TRAVIS: They eat the last bit of cereal in the box, but still put it back in the pantry instead of like, throwing it away, or at least setting it aside if the garbage is full.

BRIAN: Very evil, then! I...I guess, if I had to fight lemurs-

JUSTIN: The soundbites from this show are gonna be the best, I just gotta say.

(laughter from all) 

BRIAN: Oh god. I suppose if I had to, I could fight off lemurs. And survive. 

ROGER: No discussion needed, we’d be fine. It’s only lemurs. 

GRIFFIN: That is very confident, but I trust you. 

ROGER: As you should! (Laughing) 

JUSTIN: Okay, we are low on time, so one more section of the zoo, where are we gonna try and make you guys fight for your lives? 

FREDDIE: Can we go to the big cats? If I have to die like that-

JUSTIN: You wanna feed an animal you love? 

FREDDIE: Yeah, I mean, it’ll hurt, but so would all of these, I presume. At least this way, maybe I get to pet a lion before I die.

TRAVIS: I respect that. Everyone else, what do you think?

ADAM: I’m okay with that. Like I don’t think we’ll win; we are going to die, for sure. But I’m okay dying by big cat. 

ROGER: There are worse ways to die. Be nice to see something that powerful up close, even if it is clawing my face off. 

BRIAN: It’s a dust to dust sort of thing, isn’t it? Except, erm...meat to meat? 

JUSTIN: That’s incredibly cursed, but also valid, very good. John?

JOHN: As long as my family isn’t visiting this horrible zoo Jeff Bezos has created, and they aren’t watching me die, I think I could live with going out this way. 

JUSTIN: Beautiful! And that is our show, thank you to Adam, Freddie, Roger, Brian, and John for joining us today, we will be talking after the recording is off so we can figure out when we can do this again-

GRIFFIN: Hopefully soon!

JUSTIN: Hopefully soon! But until then, I am Justin McElroy!

TRAVIS: I’m Travis McElroy!

GRIFFIN: And I’m Griffin!

JUSTIN: and this has been-wait, hang on, My Brother, My Brother and Me, and Adam and Queen! Kiss your dad square on the lips!

BRIAN: What?! 


End file.
